Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
