Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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