I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
