I am spending my child support on dildos
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
