I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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