He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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