Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
