it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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