dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
