Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I want her autograph on my taint
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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