Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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