Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
