suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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