But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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