It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
