i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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