and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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