Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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