my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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