im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
