This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
