Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
