i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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