Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
