took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Randomize
