I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
