Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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