piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
