My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
