we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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