New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
