Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
