I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
