why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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