Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
