We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
