My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
