My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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