2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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