Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
