nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
