Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
