There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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