his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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