epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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