Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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