my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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