Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
