What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why do cheetos always look like penises
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
