I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
