I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
