a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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