so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
