Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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