heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
