THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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