she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
