New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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