Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
