The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I made him laugh his dick is mine
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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