my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.