so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.