I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
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found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
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He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.